I had sex last night.


The horizontal dance
The x axsis mambo
Bumping uglys
Making babies
Rumble in the jungle 

Knocking boots
Getting pumped
Sucking dicks
Rumpy Pumpy on
The beast with two backs

A special cuddle
Havin a Snuggle
Getting Lucky with
Harry in Chamber of secrets
Knocking boots
Taking it up the harris

Winning a quick game of Tonsil Hockey
In a dark back room
Putting the
Zoom Zoom Zoom
In your
Boom Boom Boom

And today?
I’ve got a spring in my step
At 100%
Beating the shit outa both batman and Harvy Dent
Carpe fucking diem
This day’s getting fucking met

Like a hangover cure
Like Glass bottles of bru
Like a pat on the back
“Nice one.”
But it’s not like that for everyone

Some have it ruined
Some meet it to early
I was 18 when I lost my virginity
And thank fuck for that.
Don’t get me wrong
It wasn’t a decision
It wasn’t for a lack of trying …
But I’m happy that sex was something I met properly as an adult
You’ve got your whole life to get fucked about

Imagine your first sexual experience was rape
Imagine that was carried with you on every first date
On every second base
Like a fist fighter in an arms race
Tinted windows on your life that make everything grey
That’s something some people have to live with daily,

I don’t know,
It’s not something we really talk about
I guess it makes people uneasy

But if you’d been mugged
Would you think twice about reciting that story?
No, cause there’s no shame in getting mugged

Why do we feel shame from an act of violence?
Forget the bad ones
Forget the cunts
Forget anyone who’s not looking for love

If you still want to be embarrassed by sex or boobs or willies or bums
Go ahead but please don’t feel like you have to sit in silence
Get uncomfortable about acts of violence
Cause that’s what it is
Not love
Not sex

Not something that’s deserved
But something that’s inflicted
It’s a problem we’ve got
And it’s time we fucking fixed it.


Isn’t Poetry Just Shit

Not yours specifically, just in general
Isn’t poetry just shit?
Nice rhyming scheme, but fuck all potential
Thoughts just not going in or around it

And I’ll repeat this line to make it seem more important.

Counting syllables, forgetting parables
Rhyming dictionary dot com
The open mic night, isn’t the only example
Shouldn’t there be a meaning to a story or song?

And I’ll repeat this line to make it seem more important.

If you think it’s bad you don’t know the half of it
At least you can’t hear all his spelling mistakes,
Friends are too gentle to tell him he’s shit,
Friends are to genital to put on the breaks.
And I’ll repeat this line to make it seem more important.
And sad thing is, it’s really that easy.
Just speak with confidence, and follow these rules,
Google a rhyming scheme, buy a thesaurus.
Don’t think too much, try hard – you can’t lose.
Drone on and on, in a boring monotone
What’s the fucking point.
Bla Bla Bla blablaBLABLABLA BLA

And I’ll repeat this line to make it seem more important.
Don’t worry about the tenses
When he said him, do I really mean me?
It’ll just make it all seem a little bit mysterious
And it’s a lot fucking easier than writing it properly.
Mine up the emotion from a terrorist’s crimes
Protests in Palestine, cause you’re right there with em’
But really you’re just happy with alliteration that rhymes. 

And I’ll repeat this line to make it seem more important.

Ramp up the tension, pretend to be angry
Stare down the crowd as the tempo’s increased
Stamp down my feet; throw my arms up beside me
But I’ve not got a real message, just a top shop degree.

And I’ll repeat this line to make it seem more important.

Limited brain capacity ain’t the only thing that’s stopping me.
Never won a fight and I’ve never been lifted
Least Ann Frank had a motive for a diary 
Might be my problems are all self-inflicted

And I’ll repeat this line to make it seem more important. 

Everything we’ve covered was someone else’s invention
Everything you ever did was a just copyright breach
Make sure you say cunt, cause they’ll think that you’re edgy
Make sure that you pause. so you “let the piece breathe”

And I’ll repeat this line to make it seem more important.

 Slow down at the last verse.
Throw in, some commas,
It’s just a cheap trick
No conclusions been reached 

And I’ll repeat this line to make it seem more important.
And I’ll repeat this line, to make it seem more important.
And I’ll repeat this line, to make it seem, more important.


Lean back, bend your knees
Listen to him, do what he says
Better lose your pride cos you can’t stand tall
Nothing but the dance floor to break your fall

Glass machine
Filled then empty

First time round, things are going easy
One small stack of glasses and a torch so you can see
I can’t believe that guy, he’s too drunk already
But its just past 12, starts to get busy

Glass machine
Filled then empty

Second time round starts getting heavy
How the fuck has the bar nearly ran out already
Mops in the cupboard, he’s got the key Into the toilet and clean up the whitey

Glass machine
Filled then empty

Broken Glass on the floor that’s your responsibility
Calm down man I didn’t mean to knock ye
And I wouldn’t be standing here if you could handle the challenge
Of not acting like a cunt who’s got two left hands

Glass machine
Filled then empty

Why don’t you just put it on the table?
Or on the end of the bar? In fact better still
Just don’t drop them on the floor then drunkenly dance around me
Yes that was my face that just connected with your knee

Glass machine
Filled then empty

Third time round, gets a little crazy
But I’m ignoring the things that are starting to get to me
Like that strobe light that makes it impossible to see!
Shouldn’t that be health and safety? Why the fuck are they even in here?!

Glass machine
Filled then empty

Don’t forget the back bar singles are going steady
Two empty pints with ice they’re for the DJ
I wish these student pricks would just stop drinking already
Why the fuck are the booze only 1.50 on a Tuesday?!

Glass machine
Filled then empty

But the best advantage is that time passes quickly
It’s quieting down the nights nearly all ended
We’ve sold all the drunks drinks now the drinks have been drunk
But it’s been some fucking job picking them up
Listening to techno and watching students take ecstasy
I’ll get home at half 4 and sleep like a baby

Glass machine
Emptied it’s over.

But even with heat and the noise and the pressure
I’m telling you still it’s a thousand times better
Than working in a call centre, for House of Fraser.